Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
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Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.