Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
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Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!