Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
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Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
No laws when master is gone
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Windows
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.