Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

Best misinterpreted text ever!

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

Perfection.

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

reminder

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud