Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

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me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea


VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.


My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.


Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.


Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.

*pops jean jacket collar*

I got marmalaid.


I have a dream, that all men are created equal. Just a bunch of regular men. Like, no “super” men for instance

– Martin Lex Luthor King


If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever


Doctor: How’s your headache?
Patient: She’s out of town.


Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no