[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
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me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.
*pops jean jacket collar*
I got marmalaid.
I have a dream, that all men are created equal. Just a bunch of regular men. Like, no “super” men for instance
– Martin Lex Luthor King
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Doctor: How’s your headache?
Patient: She’s out of town.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined