Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me: