SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
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they should invent a rest for the wicked
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Is this a threat?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Cheers Twitter.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over