SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Previously On Persistence 😎
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
These aren’t even hard anymore.