*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
You Might Also Like
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
three things we don’t talk about
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Gods work.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend