Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

Every work call, he judges.

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.