Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
You Might Also Like
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE