Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
You Might Also Like
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
How animals would run if they were human
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Happy Febuary everyone!
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit