Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
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If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Some people were born into their job.
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You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Every time my phone rings
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The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?