Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
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I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
SF is the wild wild west man
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*