Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering