Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

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My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here