Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Weirdly Wednesday.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.