Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
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Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
😍😂🥰😂😍
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.