Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

Watermelon Boss!

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.