Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.