Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.