Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
*pronounces UPS like yoops
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Pot warmers of the day.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?