Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

Windchimes

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

At least try to make it slightly believable

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW