Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos