Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp