Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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Roses are red, you always mattered,
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
cyclists
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism