Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.