Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.