Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

fly smarter, not harder

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.