(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Ghost costume 😂
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
