(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Was it something I said?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
