Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner