*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
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There is no try. There is only give up.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Close call…
Love thy neighbor’s dog
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Cool shirt 🙂
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.