*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

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*hands note

Boss: *reading* ‘Please excuse my son from’ Ridiculous! You’re working!

*thinking* I practiced my Mom’s signature for nothing


{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.


Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.


You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.


HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?


Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.


Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.


You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.