My girlfriend says she’s my best friend but she got so mad when I called her a homo and threw a snowball at her face. Women are so confusing
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*
this is why I drink
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Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!
[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Did you know your amazing human body actually drink lava!?!
Only once though…..
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”