Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

👽

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.