Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

sugar glider wrangler

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

become ungovernable

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger