Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.