Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

It do be feeling this way.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*