“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
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living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Erm…
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat