“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
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Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Mummies are just super modest zombies
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
👾👾👾
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house