“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
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I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings