Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all