Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.