Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

What

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.