Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Teach your children to beatbox

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.