Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
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“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
new career option?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great