Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
my mom making me talk to relatives
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
this is the kind of friend i am
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
The happy life.. 😊