Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.