Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
