@Gwinifer
Safe to say a good 38% of my life is spent trying to sleep while the 18yr old stomps through the house like an angry triceratops.
@tweetsbyrocket
son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm
me: huh
son: what happened to the animals
me:
son: did they die
me: no
son: phew
me: old mcdonald did
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@Gwinifer
@Kyle_Lippert
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
@MarfSalvador
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
@xosm
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
@XplodingUnicorn
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
@FrazzleMyGimp
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
@rainerfm
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
@HomeWithPeanut
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
@ilovepie84
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
@TheBoydP
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…