Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Botany good plants lately?
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven