@tweetsbyrocket

son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm

me: huh

son: what happened to the animals

me:

son: did they die

me: no

son: phew

me: old mcdonald did

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@Gwinifer

Safe to say a good 38% of my life is spent trying to sleep while the 18yr old stomps through the house like an angry triceratops.

@Kyle_Lippert

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

@xosm

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

@rainerfm

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

@HomeWithPeanut

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

@ilovepie84

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

@TheBoydP

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…