Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
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I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
not for long
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.