Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

seems like a niche market

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo