Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

Thinking about Jeff

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?