Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

#NoRestForTheWicked

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.