Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.