Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?