Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

I cannot call her anything else now

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.