Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.