Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.