Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

my favorite genre of twitter

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs