Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Dietest Coke

Tremendous stuff

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

did it work

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid