Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

I love you to the refrigerator and back

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.