I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
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I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush