Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

why isn’t thunder called soundning

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.