Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer