Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

Hank is one in a melon.

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.