Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

This is a whole mood;

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

ㅤ

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door