SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”