Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear