Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

The Birdles

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

Pretty much! 😂👀

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath