Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
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Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day