Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..