Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.