Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

two people or more is called a problem

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.