Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

when nothing goes right… go left

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*