Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

how was your vacation

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg