Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

When life hands you women, make women laid.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Yes

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

Happy Halloween 🎃

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault