Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

mariah carrie

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now